Fox and Tortle Show, Episode IX

When we last left our heroes, they existed simply as disembodied spirits in a toy limbo-like state. Will they end up in an eternal paradise, filled with grapes, halos and virgin nubile women?

Or will they instead go to...


Welcome to the Hell Show! Our guests for tonight are too numerous to list. After all, almost everyone goes to Hell! To Hell with it, let's get started! Our first guest is Phil Suckalewski! Bring him out, boys!

Oh my God... where am I?!
Ironic choice of words, Phil! You're in Hell! What did you expect, Disneyland?


Golly, Phil! I'm surprised you don't know! Let me remind you of a day in your short, pathetic life: One morning, you traveled to the toy stores early so that you could get the brand new, hard-to-find Merman action figure. You found three, but instead of just buying one and leaving the rest for kids or true collectors, you bought all of them so that you could sell the extras on Ebay. Because you created an artificial shortage with your greed, you made a pretty good haul off that, didn't you Phil?

Sweet Jesus... I'm in Hell! It's so hot my skin feels like it's boiling off! OH GOD, PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Okay, stay on track here, Phil. Anyway, that was a typical day for you, wasn't it? Instead of getting a real job and taking responsibility for your life, you decided to live with your parents and scalp toys on Ebay! I just love Ebay, Phil... On Ebay, dirt-star-licking toy dealers such as yourself can uncontrollably scalp toys for obscene prices, raping both collectors and kids alike! Ebay makes it so much easier for me to find slimy pieces of worm-ridden filth like you!

Oh Lord, where am I? AGHH.... my skin! I can't breathe! EEEEYAAA!!!
Phil? You didn't hear a word I said, did you? Pay atten... I say, pay attention, boy! Sigh... He's no use to me in this condition. Take him away, boys.

I really wish that people would listen to my damnations. I work so hard on them...

Anyway, on with the show! Put your hands together for our next guest... Krangala!


Welcome to Hell, Krang...


Look, don't interrupt me, you little creep. Do you know why you're here, Krang...


Do you realize who you are mocking?! I am the Lord of All That is Dark! I am the Almighty Prince of Evi...


Sigh... Take him away, boys... I guess today's just one of those no-good, very-bad days...

Okay, folks, let's hope our next guests are a bit more interesting. Please welcome the infamous Fox and Tortle!

Holy Hippo Spit, Tortle... We're in Hell! This must be some sort of Bogus Journey!
That's right, fools! Welcome to eternal pain! As a reward for your toy-blasting ways, I'm going to split open your stomach with a rusty sickle, dump out your innards, smear them on my Slip 'N' Slide, and slide down with glee into the splash down mini-pool filled with your brains!

Wait... did you say, "sickle"? Heh, heh...

Ha, ha ha... and "Slip 'N' Slide"? That's rich!

You dare to laugh at my choice of torture..?!

Okay, let me get this straight. You're going to slice us open with a sickle? That's so antiquated.

Yeah, everybody knows that lasers are the wave of the future. And Slip 'N' Slides were popular 20 years ago!

I need no lasers or Slip 'N' Slides to cause you eternal pain, mendicants! I'll put you on the rack of horror and bathe in your screams for mercy!

A RACK?! You have a real, physical rack? Wow! I don't think I've ever seen one of those before... outside of a museum that is.
Yeah, that's older than Hell! Nowadays everything is handled by computers. You've never heard of Windows XP... "Xtreme Pain"? You've got nothing on Bill Gates, wuss.

Computers? Windows? Perhaps I am out of touch with recent tortures. Perhaps I have become just an old fogey...
Is it time for me to step down..?

Aw, don't get down-in-the-dumps, gramps. I'm sure there's something you're still useful for.
Yeah, like cleaning the torture toilets!

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA...


Welcome to the Hell Show! I'm your host, Fox and this is my partner Tortle! So how do you like Hell now that Satan has retired, Tortle?

Well, I never knew there were SO many politicians down here! The place is starting to smell like pond-scum with all these losers hanging around!

Fox and Tortle have conquered Hell! What's next for the duo? Will they ever get their normal show back? Will they ever return to the world of the living? And what has happened to Nathan?!